Baconfisting

A Lesson for Children

tomoatmeal:

Whenever somebody says that bad things can happen to good people, I think about my neighbor.  He was a nice enough guy, but that didn’t stop him from getting murdered.  Of course, it works both ways.  Sometimes good things happen to bad people – like that time I struck oil when I was digging up my backyard, trying to bury my neighbor’s corpse.

Stand Up Comedy!

I must admit, at first I was skeptical and not really prepared to cater to such a large audience, but the shock of having roughly eighty people attend my stand-up comedy act quickly wore off as I began my routine.

“Howdy folks, how is everyone doing today?”

There wasn’t much of a response, but I was undeterred.

“Great to be here, I just flew in from Vegas, and boy are my arms tired!”

There were a few giggles, and a few tired sighs; I knew that this was an old joke, but thought it would be a great icebreaker.  ”Anyways, it was an out of body experience… My body went there with all my credit cards and managed to rack up $20,000 in debt… but does my wife understand?  NO!”

I paused again, waiting for a response from the crowd.  Unfortunately, people now just looked pissed off.  Just then, I made eye contact with a guy in the front row, who motioned for me to continue.

With that, I started an oldie but goodie, basically pure comic gold.  ”Knock Knock,” I said.

The man with whom I had made eye contact responded.  ”Get the fuck out of the way so we can use the escalator you homeless asshole.”