July 2010
1 post
April 2010
1 post
March 2010
3 posts
February 2010
3 posts
A Lesson for Children
tomoatmeal:
Whenever somebody says that bad things can happen to good people, I think about my neighbor. He was a nice enough guy, but that didn’t stop him from getting murdered. Of course, it works both ways. Sometimes good things happen to bad people – like that time I struck oil when I was digging up my backyard, trying to bury my neighbor’s corpse.
January 2010
2 posts
Stand Up Comedy!
I must admit, at first I was skeptical and not really prepared to cater to such a large audience, but the shock of having roughly eighty people attend my stand-up comedy act quickly wore off as I began my routine.
“Howdy folks, how is everyone doing today?”
There wasn’t much of a response, but I was undeterred.
“Great to be here, I just flew in from Vegas, and boy are my...
December 2009
3 posts
October 2009
1 post
September 2009
26 posts
Small Tears!
(Chris looked up from the pamphlet he was reading and looked at me, his eyes aglow)
Chris: Yo man, have you read about these new things called 'micro-tears?' I dunno what they are, but I'm guessing it's when a midget cries into a cup.
Me: Uh... yea man, I've heard of micro-tears before. Trust me, it's not when a midge...
Chris: Yea, I want some of them. Seriously, where can I get some midget tears?
Me: Well Chris, I'm not sure about midget tear, but probably the best place I know of to get 'micro-tears' is Arby's. Just order anything off the menu, and eat it. That should provide you with plenty of the 'micro-tear' goodness you're looking for.
Chris: How will eating at Arby's make a midget cry?
Me: I never said anything about a midget crying, I said it would without question give you micro-tears.
Chris: (A few days later) Well, you were right about Arby's. And I was wrong about midgets having anything to do with 'micro-tears.' It's totally confusing that they spell that word the same way when it clearly has two meanings. But if you look at it the way I do now, one causes the other. God my asshole hurts.
Push It
(…..PUUUUSSSHHHHH IT TO THE LIMIT!!……)
The radio blared. Brian turned to his left and grinned at the newest brother of his fraternity. The poor kid had been hand picked by Brian and Pink to drive them around for a full night. He cranked the radio.
(…..PUUUUSSSHHHHH IT TO THE LIMIT!!……)
Pink was cuddling with a girl in the back-seat when the song came on,...
Always Looking Up!
Biff: Hi Marty, just wanted to let you know I had a dream about you mother last night.
Marty: What the fuck do you want Biff? Huh? Quit j-ing my bag man, just leave me alone.
Biff: You know Marty, I've been thinking about this script.
Marty: Yea Biff? Why don't you give me back that Almanac, a-hole!
Biff: Well, I think the producers are trying to give everyone who watched it an Oedipal complex.
(Marty begins to get nervous)
Marty: What are you talkin' about Biff? Huh man?
Biff: Well your girlfriend now looks a whole lot like your mom looked when she was your girlfriend's age in the second movie. I mean, you almost made out with her bro. And then you grow up and start banging out a cute broad that looks exactly like she did? Come on. I'm not buying it.
Marty (sweating profusely): Take it back Biff... Take it back. I don't want to have with my mother.
Biff: Plus, your dad was a dork and you could have kicked his ass probably.
(Marty runs off set screaming)
Biff (to the crew): What's up with Michael J Fox?
Tod Dracula
It was awkward growing up as Dracula’s younger brother. I had braces for like 8 years, some of the worst acne you have ever seen (acutaine did nothing for me) and I didn’t get pubic hair until my junior year at University of Chicago. To make matters worse, the day after I turned 18 I wandered into a lady’s restroom by mistake and then had to register as a sex offender.
To say...
Cigarettes!
“Seriously man,” I slurred drunkenly, “I’m gonna sit here and have a cigarette with you man… you want one?”
He took the cigarette cautiously, as if I was taunting him and would pull it away at the last moment. He finally took it, and I introduced myself.
“I’m Brian,” he replied before asking me for a light. He took a really deep drag,...
“Good-day to you sir. I would like to get fifty-six tattoos on my face, and then...”
– Kimberley Vlaminck at the first two tattoo parlors she visited on June 16th. She later dropped nearly three-fourths of this monologue to varying degrees of success.
Arby's?
What’s the difference between Arby’s and a mini-van?
A mini-van doesn’t make you shit blood when you “drop the kids off at the pool.”
“Oh yea? Well when’s the last time you did anything fucking useful Willie?...”
– Alf during one of his notorious on-set temper tantrums. Rumor has it that Christian Bale was on-set during one such flare-up, and based a future outburst during the filming of Terminator: Salvation on Alf’s foul mouth, penchant for violence and unpredictable activity, and strange obsession...
Teaching is Fun!
I can’t say that I was surprised when I was called into the Principal’s office.
“Hey Mr. Neederschmidt,” I said coolly, “How’re the boys this morning?”
I was of course, referring to his testicles.
“Not well Greg,” he replied, “You’ve really done it this time, you’ve really crossed a line. I’m afraid I’m going...
“But Mommy! Please?!?!”
– Some guy from New Jersey after his mom wouldn’t give him $90 to get a spray tan before his Junior Prom.
August 2009
30 posts
Honey, I want a divorce!
Wayne ran in frantically. He was scream-whispering the whole time. Diane didn’t know how to respond, so she just started being bitchy.
“Diane! Diane! For gosh sake’s, take a look at this spoon!”
“Fucking what, Wayne?”
“The spoon! By jove, you remember that ridiculous idea I turned into a machine that shrank everything to a tremendously small size…...
“Howie Mendell is a real fucking creep.”
– Anyone that has ever seen that stupid show he hosts with the breif-cases.
Car Jacking!!
“Are you guys serious about this?” I asked.
“Shut up you fucking pussy, We’re jacking this motherfucker for his ride right now!” This from Tom, the leader of our gang.
“OK Man,” I responded quickly, not wanting to upset the delicate balance of power between the three of us; the Youth Gang Alliance. Not that there’s much of an alliance with only...
How to Achieve Inner Peace
Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl...
New E*Trade Commercial
Baby: So I’ve been buying and trading these new stocks and bonds over the new E*Trade platform, and it has been sweet. I actually joined a chat room the other day called NAMBLA: North American Municipal Bond Lovers Association. Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I’m meeting up with a few other Municipal Bond Lovers tonight. This one guy asked me if I liked wine coolers, and I told him I...
Where's Hugh?
Elizabeth: Mum, I'm terribly confused and worried. Hugh left the house last night to get a nip with his mates at the bar, but he hasn't come home yet, and now it's the afternoon of the next day!
Elizabeth's Mum: Well, I hope he's alright dear, he is such a lovely man... hold a moment, the paper's just come.
(Elizabeth's Mum puts the phone down and gets the morning newspaper)
Elizabeth's Mum: I'm back dear, let's see what's in the news today shall we?
Elizabeth: Mum, I don't want to know what's in the news, I want to find Hugh!
(Sound of a newspaper opening)
Elizabeth's Mum: Um... dearie, you and Hugh don't happen to be friends with a woman named Divine Brown, are you?
Elizabeth: What? No. Why do you ask?
Elizabeth's Mum: Because I just found Hugh on Page Six being arrested for engaging in lewd conduct and solicitation of a prostitute last night, with a hooker named Divine Brown.
(Elizabeth gasps and begins silently crying)
Elizabeth: Four Weddings and a Funeral my bum! When I'm finished with him it'll be No Weddings and a Funeral!
(Elizabeth's Mum laughs)
Elizabeth's Mum: Good show dear, Good Show!
Asparagus!
It was my fourth month on the job, and things were going great. The American Asparagus Farmers Association had seen better monthly results than they had in years, and it was all thanks to me and my hard work. So when I got call last week from the CEO, I was eager to show him just how smart I really am.
“This year has been a bumper crop for asparagus in America,” he said in a gruff...
